Blood Cells

I wonder if I love them, or if the distance is all in my head.

Maybe I would've known if tonight I ended up dead on the cement.

Dripping from the crack in my skull: blood that wasn't read.  

Words spilling out in forms: no one could identify what it said.  

What I meant.  Maybe I didn't even know that yet.

And that kid, dressed in white and black, running from the feds 

wouldn't have escaped.

Stopped dead in his tracks, staring at what was left.

Red and Blue lit up before another free step, but what those cops would find is not what they'd expect.

Begin routine procedures, dead bodies aren't a threat.

Ignore the signs and warnings, not a worthy story, add it to the list of Nexts.

Analyzing blood samples: not the secrets that it kept.  Dark thoughts and feelings hadn't left the cell, yet.

Your Love is a fleeting, deeply alien concept.

Do you really even know it?  Do you unknowingly pretend?

They told me love is when you'd give yourself to death.

They say love your family, love your friends...

But they don't mean enough to throw my body off a ledge.

fridays

the memories don't seem to compensate.

stolen cookies from the jar, saving swing sets in the park.

jumping on the trampoline, playing games in the unfinished yard that we shared.

remember when you said we would be the best-est of friends?

you said now that you are my friend, i will always be there for you.

remember adam always said it'd end.  we'd all grow up & go our separate ways.

i guess it happened sooner than i expected.

it happened sooner than adam expected even.

for this feeling as i move into the next phase of my life.

you probably don't remember this.  but there was one time you got sick & i thought you'd died you were gone so long.

i used it to inspire my very first song.

& we decided to start a band.  but making t-shirts was as far as we got.

we all grew up.  & all got jobs.

chasing girls & chasing dollars.

maybe it was perfect & i just won't accept it

maybe i'm just upset that i'm the kid who wouldn't throw a party at his house while his parents were out of a town.

not because he'd feel guilty.

but because no one would answer his phone calls.

maybe i just want memories that feel like a beach house song

maybe i just want people to agree with me that beach house is a great band

i just hate how this feels like failure.  not closure.

i miss our pie-day fridays.

& our aspirations to make an album.

& i never thought i'd say it but i miss lone peak.

maybe just my friends.

but i shouldn't be missing them yet.

because lone peak is over.  & i haven't moved to logan yet.

& of course i fell in love.

what a treacherous thing to fall in love.

& what a treacherous thing. this, one, meaningless life of mine.

She Never Did Set Up Her Voicemail

Hey it's me again.

Didn't I tell you?

I think I might be in love with you.

I know things are complicated

I know we don't talk anymore,

Well, not really.

 but I'm still waiting for your answer.

Didn't I tell you?

'Patience' I know, but

I am running out of time.  I mean

"Us" is running out of time.

I don't want to lose "Us"

in three months

when

I'm leaving for college.  Please call me back.

I love you.

Unmemorable

There's six more weeks of school left

It's my senior year

 ...and I'm stressing out because I haven't done anything memorable

I thought I'd have at least a few decent stories to tell by now

I don't know how I am going to answer the question "What are some of your favorite memories from high school?"

I made most of my worst memories here

It's my senior year

...and I still eat most of my lunches alone

I thought I'd have that tight knit group of friends by now

I don't know how to answer the question "Who is your best friend?"

There's eighteen weeks until school starts

It's my last summer here

...and I'll probably sleep most of it away

I thought I'd be taking a big senior trip

I don't know how to answer the question "what are your summer plans?"

There's eighteen weeks until school starts

I'll be leaving soon

...and I'm not sure I like where I'm going

I thought that I chose the right school but I'm starting to second guess myself

I just wanted a friend as a roommate

There's eighteen more weeks of 'where I grew up'

This is the final page of the first chapter of my life

...and I'm surprised I'm still reading

I thought the cover looked cool

But so far the story's really unmemorable

There Is A Better World For Us

Shoes, Puns, & Love Poem Not Written By A Girl

we first met on the bleachers

i was nike, & you were vans
we connected right away because i loved boarding & you loved sports

we stomped to the rhythm of cheers & we finished off the alma mater & we ran on to the field when the team won
(even though it was no surprise)

we kept running into each other
& pretty soon we started spending lots of time together near doorways

we started walking places

we walked on the mountains

we walked on the city

we walked everywhere

we tried sneaking into the bowling alley but they caught us & had us kicked out

we started dancing

& you made fun of me because i didn't know how

i liked the color of your eyelets

& the way you did your laces

& i didn't know how to tell you

but you could tell anyway so that was okay

we were a perfect fit

(although i was size 11 & you were size 6)

i wanted to tie the knot

& at first you were afraid of tripping

but i reminded you of all the walking we had done

& it was okay

& you were okay

& we were okay

because we were together

& it felt perfect

because we knew we were solemates

For The People Who Still Don't Know Who I Am

Maybe you are in A1.  Maybe you are in A2 and don't see me sitting in the corner.  But in case you were curious...  Nyle Kelson isn't who I am.  And Seth Glancy isn't who I am either.

◊ I'm short, haha, about 5 foot 8

◊ I have an unhealthy obsession with roller coasters

◊ I'm an avid geometry dash player

◊ I'm going to USU for college next year!  (Anyone else?)

  No major declared though because how the hell am I supposed to

  know what I want to do with the next 50 years of my life?
◊ Uhhhhh... I'm single ;)

◊ I hate sneezing in public

◊ I'm afraid of eating the skin on fruits and vegetables

◊ Rue 21 is my favorite place to get clothes

◊ I'm agnostic

◊ I hate beats headphones passionately

  (I'm extremely opinionated)

◊ I like to pretend I understand cameras slash photography

  (another one of my hipster traits)

◊ Human bodies disgust me

My name is Seth.

This is a picture of me! :D

You could call me a hipster.  And you would be right.  I button my top button.  I peg my jeans...

I have pictures like these...

Music

I listen to all the popular hispter (hashtag-oxymoron like amirite?) bands like Of Monsters & Men, Imagine Dragons, Passion Pit, Grouplove, Youth Lagoon, Vampire Weekend etc.

But I listen to my underground stuff too.  You know.  Truly Hipster. Bands like Lemaitre, Breakbot, For The Foxes, Imaginary Cities, Pacific Air, Sky, Team Me, Vinyl Villain, etc.

(although most of these are still fairly popular 'cause I'm tryna to see if anyone else recognizes these bands XD cause seriously if so let's be music buddies)

If it isn't obvious...  I LOVE music!  Music is my life.

Favorite Band?  Depends on the mood...  Sometimes it's Two Door Cinema Club, sometimes it's Vampire Weekend, sometimes it's M83.

Most of the time though, I would say Lemaitre is my favorite band. Look 'em up!

Music Production

I also do a little bit of my own music production as a hobby.  I started messing around in garageband a few years ago, pirated some programs (shhhhh...), and I absolutely love it!

Here is some of my most recent stuff!

Mountain Biking

Another one of my hobbies.  Nothings better than a day on the trails with my boys ;)

Me on Rattlesnake Line, Ogden Bike Park

Me at I Street, Salt Lake City

My buddy Max at I Street, Salt Lake City

Movies

I LOVE movies!  Almost as much as I love music ;)

Favorite director?  Probably Christopher Nolan...  Maybe Bong-joon-ho (or however you spell his name...)

Favorite actor?  Tom Hanks.  Such a legend.

Some of my favorite movies include: District 9, Titanic, Captain Phillips, The Sixth Sense, The Prestige, Inception, Snowpiercer, Wreck-it-Ralph, Jurassic Park, Airplane, Bill & Teds, Waynes World, Elysium etc...

I hate superhero movies...  :/

My favorite movie of all time though...  Cloud Atlas.  Which so happens to be based off my favorite book "Cloud Atlas" by David Mitchell (favorite author) and the trailer for the movie had one of my favorite songs "Outro" by M83...  It's, like, all connected.  I mean... I don't believe in destiny or fate but....  Holy shit.

Cloud Atlas Trailer


I have struggles, too, just like all of you guys.  I've struggled with depression, and anxiety for years.  Who hasn't these days?  All in all I do my best to be an optimistic person.  

I'm really quiet but mostly because I prefer to observe and I don't often feel I need to say anything.  I guess I don't find silence as awkward as other people do...


Having this blog has been great because it feels like having someone to talk to, and that's a feeling I'm not used to.


I hope my blog doesn't make me sound like an angry person...  I just get really passionate when I don't like something XD


Anyway...  I hope now you know me a little better :)  I'm excited to continue blogging un-anonymously!

(hashtag so indie)

Sincerely, Nyle (Seth)

P.S.

I wanted to post the translation for my "S.O.S." post from earlier.  It's sort of related to the "Big Reveal" and I feel like its not as cool when you don't know what it is saying...  So here it is...


"Is it really wrong to wish that I was better?  Is it wrong to wish at all?  I'd like to say I'm a go getter.  But I'm not.  I'm too passive.  I really am a creative, artsy person but I'm not supposed to like it if you know even though that's what I really want.  I guess I'm confined to this cage I built around myself and it'll take more than a little self confidence to break out.  I wish someone on the outside could see that I was reaching out for their hand.  But I keep that to myself.  No one likes hearing people complain.  And men don't cry.  So from behind these bars, behind a curtain,  behind your screen...  This is my sos.  This is my cry."

Pen Names I Wish I Would've Chosen

Everyone has these indie, hipster, interesting names.  At the time we had to choose I couldn't think of anything serious so I went with humor instead...  Here is a list of Pen Names I Wish I Would've Chosen:



Adam Ewing


Robert Frobisher


Timothy Cavendish


Walter Mitty (tehe)


Waldo


Junie Beatrice Jones


George Lemaitre


Skye


Anthony Gonzales


Seth Glancy

Toot-a-loo, Nyle

S.O.S.

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Highways

Life is a highway.

Sometimes it's a two-lane road in the middle of nowhere and I'm 99% sure I'm going the right way.

Other days it's a highway straight out of seattle and my GPS is saying too many things at once.

Some cars are going somewhere else.  Some tailgate you.  Some 'wave hello' as they aggressively pass you.  

Some cars are old and beat up.  Some are brand-new and drive fast.  Some cars smile and stay on the road with you for a while.

Some cars crash.

Life is a highway.

Sometimes I want to drive through the night.

Other nights I have to exit and stop at a hotel.

Sometimes I take the scenic roads.  Maybe stop at a museum.

Sometimes the roads that are the most familiar become hazardous in snow or rain.

Life is a highway.

Sometimes the car breaks down and I pull over.

Sometimes I pass cars with their hazards on and their hood up.

Sometimes I speed.

Life is a highway.

And I want to play my music and sing it as loud as I possibly can.  It's not that I'm trying to drown out the sirens, the others cars or you.  Remember that.

Sometimes you're trying to read that bumper sticker but that car gets out of sight despite your best efforts.

Sometimes the sun is warm.  Sometimes it's in our eyes.

Life is a highway.

and you don't need to set a speed record or drive the nicest car.

Life is a highway.

So pull over and help out that car.

Let people in.

Roll down the windows and play your jam.

Enjoy the ride.

Life is an adventure not a challenge or a test.

Life is a highway.

You only get one tank of gas so make sure to use it to do something truly special.

the unknown

I'm afraid I might've missed something... that I'm still missing

something.

Everyone is in on this big secret and has to change the subject when I walk in the room.

 I  am  alone. 

Being different, being yourself, is fabled a door to happiness or 'light.'  But it's a dark, lowly place: an empty labyrinth.  No one, no matter how much they insist otherwise, has a map.  Such is life I suppose.

I'm afraid that I'm wrong.  I'm afraid that I don't truly believe it doesn't matter.  So I vainly attempt to extract some sort of purpose or goal from it.

I'm afraid this confusion will last forever.

routine

I can't believe this has become routine...
World Class?  What's That supposed to mean?
How many lives have to be imprisoned in the class of 2015?

2016?

2017?

High school is supposed to be:
an opportunity
a path
a gateway
an introduction
...to life!

Not the opposite.

When did it become a test?
When did an A+ become the minimum for our best?
When did community college become a disgrace?
When did smoking pot become a death sentence?
When did anything become a reason not to help someone because 'they're a bad influence'?

and
What's with this recurring, impersonal 'you are loved' theme?
You said that the last few times it obviously isn't helping.

I can't believe I don't even know how many there have been, exactly.

I can't believe it.

&

I can't believe us.

Bricks and Stones

My life began as an empty lot
They all brought bricks
I told them to stop
But they didn't listen...
"We know what you want."
I didn't buy the system
So I bought a new lot

I started work on my land
They didn't understand
They all threw bricks
And my roof caved in
I told myself have hope
Just try, try again

But I lost it
And now I'm starting to believe that Do or Do Not shit
They crossed it
The line between fucked up and obnoxious
I'm tired and nauseous
of them thinking they got this
Responsibility to fix me, "Who said I'm not fixed?"
You would think people this crazy must be Godless
But they'll tell you that you're damned because it's God's wish
Regardless of the fact that they love one another*

So they keep throwing bricks, I guess I understand the reason
After all stoning to death is something they once believed in
Then they get upset when I use the bricks to build a wall
Like, "Well, what did you expect me to do?"  ...Fuck 'em all.

*if you're their brother: the fucked up name they chose for each other

I want to know...

I am working on a project and I want to know what worries people and this blog is a great tool for reaching a large group anonymously.  I'm not looking for cliche answers that only tell the simplest form of the problem.  For example, I worry about how I am going to be successful and what I will do with the rest of my life (surface) because I have come to a realization that I can't be whatever I want to be in this world.  I have to adapt and sacrifice to meet the standards of the world I've been given.  I had all these dreams that are no longer reachable and it hurts that there is nothing I can do to change how the world works (specific).

So tell me in the comments, specifically, what worries you?

the little things

If everyone takes care of their neighbor, then the whole world is taken care of.

the first thing

What is there to say about love when I don't know the first thing about it?  I wouldn't die for anyone.  There is no one I couldn't live my life without.  Maybe I am just too scared to fall in love.  Love is vulnerable.  Love is do or die.  Love is a risk.  Love is illogical.  Love is inefficient.  Love is unfocused.  Love is unproductive.  Love is a mystery to me.

Software Update

Maybe I am a robot

I wrote this because I was told to.  I thought this because I was prompted to

Input
Output
Input
Output

I was born into an endless cycle of inputs and expected outputs

"Get good grades"
Okay
"Be home on time"
Okay
"Get a job"
Okay
"Go to college"
Okay

I've been a perfect robot.  I've done what I've been told in the hopes of being accepted.  But something broke inside me.  A circuit failure maybe.  I began to doubt what I'd been told my entire life.  I questioned things.  They didn't like that.  The second I started to think for myself the panicked

"Go to church"
No
"Go on a mission"
No
"We're worried about you"

Then came the calls, the endless knocks at the door.  The texts, even letters, from these mechanics.  "They are here to fix you, they'll make you right again"

They uninstalled
Reinstalled
Restarted
Updated
They think that I'm broken
I have a virus
Or some sort of bug
Y2K?
Whatever excuse they could think of
But it never occurred to them that

Maybe I am a human

You try too hard

This world is infinitely simple...

But you make it so fucking complicated.

You keep looking for this 'quiver-killer' 'one-trick-pony' solution to figure it out.  But I've discovered something.  There is no unbeatable philosophy to reach eternal happiness and satisfaction.  Life will always have it's up and downs no matter how many inspirational quotes you hear.  No matter how many times you pray.  No matter how many times you read a book.  No matter how many times you give money to the homeless.  None of it matters.

You try too hard.

Not that those things aren't noble.  But they aren't a path to never-ending joy.  You'll still have heart breaks, deaths and disease.  Everyone is affected.  But don't worry.  Life isn't a never-ending hell either.  

Stop telling yourself it is.

I'm sick of the 'one thing went wrong my life is over' thoughts.  If you can't find joy in your life.  It's your fault.  You created this chaos; this mess.  It sounds blunt.  But I'm sick of the 'no one loves me' suicides.  I'm sick of the 'I'm not good enough' suicides.  I'm sick of the little suicides we all go through every day when we tell ourselves 'we won't make it'.  I'm sick of when we tell ourselves that 'no matter how hard we try it won't work'.  I'm sick of it because they've infected my brain too.

Let's end it.

Or buckle up if you can't, because life really is a roller coaster straight out of final destination if you let it be.  And if you're already going up that first hill then squirm your way out of that seat.  Jump.  And catch yourself on a cloud and fly the hell out of there, because life may be a roller coaster, but any rule, boundary or law of physics can be broken.  And you can fly away from that park and make life whatever you want it to be.

You are NOT stuck.

So quit the self-diagnosed depression and the self-prescribed anxiety.  Quit the Instagram induced doubt of your beauty.  Quit the Twitter induced doubt of your character.  Quit the Tumblr induced doubt of your ability to think and feel.  And quit trying to figure out life by the time your 18.  You'll destroy yourself with the over-thinking and the over-analyzing.  Because you're taking yourself in the wrong direction.  Secretly, you understand life inside and out and you won't accept it.  Because it hurts.  It hurts too much that you'll have to be sad, that you'll cry.  You'll cry a lot.  And so you try to figure out another way but it's funny how by doing so only secures this fate.  The sooner you accept that life will never be butterflies and rainbows.  The sooner it will be.  You'll learn to live with what is is because it's all about your perspective. Life truly is what you make it.

Life is the simplest paradox.