routine

I can't believe this has become routine...
World Class?  What's That supposed to mean?
How many lives have to be imprisoned in the class of 2015?

2016?

2017?

High school is supposed to be:
an opportunity
a path
a gateway
an introduction
...to life!

Not the opposite.

When did it become a test?
When did an A+ become the minimum for our best?
When did community college become a disgrace?
When did smoking pot become a death sentence?
When did anything become a reason not to help someone because 'they're a bad influence'?

and
What's with this recurring, impersonal 'you are loved' theme?
You said that the last few times it obviously isn't helping.

I can't believe I don't even know how many there have been, exactly.

I can't believe it.

&

I can't believe us.

Bricks and Stones

My life began as an empty lot
They all brought bricks
I told them to stop
But they didn't listen...
"We know what you want."
I didn't buy the system
So I bought a new lot

I started work on my land
They didn't understand
They all threw bricks
And my roof caved in
I told myself have hope
Just try, try again

But I lost it
And now I'm starting to believe that Do or Do Not shit
They crossed it
The line between fucked up and obnoxious
I'm tired and nauseous
of them thinking they got this
Responsibility to fix me, "Who said I'm not fixed?"
You would think people this crazy must be Godless
But they'll tell you that you're damned because it's God's wish
Regardless of the fact that they love one another*

So they keep throwing bricks, I guess I understand the reason
After all stoning to death is something they once believed in
Then they get upset when I use the bricks to build a wall
Like, "Well, what did you expect me to do?"  ...Fuck 'em all.

*if you're their brother: the fucked up name they chose for each other

I want to know...

I am working on a project and I want to know what worries people and this blog is a great tool for reaching a large group anonymously.  I'm not looking for cliche answers that only tell the simplest form of the problem.  For example, I worry about how I am going to be successful and what I will do with the rest of my life (surface) because I have come to a realization that I can't be whatever I want to be in this world.  I have to adapt and sacrifice to meet the standards of the world I've been given.  I had all these dreams that are no longer reachable and it hurts that there is nothing I can do to change how the world works (specific).

So tell me in the comments, specifically, what worries you?

the little things

If everyone takes care of their neighbor, then the whole world is taken care of.

the first thing

What is there to say about love when I don't know the first thing about it?  I wouldn't die for anyone.  There is no one I couldn't live my life without.  Maybe I am just too scared to fall in love.  Love is vulnerable.  Love is do or die.  Love is a risk.  Love is illogical.  Love is inefficient.  Love is unfocused.  Love is unproductive.  Love is a mystery to me.

Software Update

Maybe I am a robot

I wrote this because I was told to.  I thought this because I was prompted to

Input
Output
Input
Output

I was born into an endless cycle of inputs and expected outputs

"Get good grades"
Okay
"Be home on time"
Okay
"Get a job"
Okay
"Go to college"
Okay

I've been a perfect robot.  I've done what I've been told in the hopes of being accepted.  But something broke inside me.  A circuit failure maybe.  I began to doubt what I'd been told my entire life.  I questioned things.  They didn't like that.  The second I started to think for myself the panicked

"Go to church"
No
"Go on a mission"
No
"We're worried about you"

Then came the calls, the endless knocks at the door.  The texts, even letters, from these mechanics.  "They are here to fix you, they'll make you right again"

They uninstalled
Reinstalled
Restarted
Updated
They think that I'm broken
I have a virus
Or some sort of bug
Y2K?
Whatever excuse they could think of
But it never occurred to them that

Maybe I am a human

You try too hard

This world is infinitely simple...

But you make it so fucking complicated.

You keep looking for this 'quiver-killer' 'one-trick-pony' solution to figure it out.  But I've discovered something.  There is no unbeatable philosophy to reach eternal happiness and satisfaction.  Life will always have it's up and downs no matter how many inspirational quotes you hear.  No matter how many times you pray.  No matter how many times you read a book.  No matter how many times you give money to the homeless.  None of it matters.

You try too hard.

Not that those things aren't noble.  But they aren't a path to never-ending joy.  You'll still have heart breaks, deaths and disease.  Everyone is affected.  But don't worry.  Life isn't a never-ending hell either.  

Stop telling yourself it is.

I'm sick of the 'one thing went wrong my life is over' thoughts.  If you can't find joy in your life.  It's your fault.  You created this chaos; this mess.  It sounds blunt.  But I'm sick of the 'no one loves me' suicides.  I'm sick of the 'I'm not good enough' suicides.  I'm sick of the little suicides we all go through every day when we tell ourselves 'we won't make it'.  I'm sick of when we tell ourselves that 'no matter how hard we try it won't work'.  I'm sick of it because they've infected my brain too.

Let's end it.

Or buckle up if you can't, because life really is a roller coaster straight out of final destination if you let it be.  And if you're already going up that first hill then squirm your way out of that seat.  Jump.  And catch yourself on a cloud and fly the hell out of there, because life may be a roller coaster, but any rule, boundary or law of physics can be broken.  And you can fly away from that park and make life whatever you want it to be.

You are NOT stuck.

So quit the self-diagnosed depression and the self-prescribed anxiety.  Quit the Instagram induced doubt of your beauty.  Quit the Twitter induced doubt of your character.  Quit the Tumblr induced doubt of your ability to think and feel.  And quit trying to figure out life by the time your 18.  You'll destroy yourself with the over-thinking and the over-analyzing.  Because you're taking yourself in the wrong direction.  Secretly, you understand life inside and out and you won't accept it.  Because it hurts.  It hurts too much that you'll have to be sad, that you'll cry.  You'll cry a lot.  And so you try to figure out another way but it's funny how by doing so only secures this fate.  The sooner you accept that life will never be butterflies and rainbows.  The sooner it will be.  You'll learn to live with what is is because it's all about your perspective. Life truly is what you make it.

Life is the simplest paradox.